i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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