My cat gives me a boner
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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