We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
