Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
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im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
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Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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