3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
