I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
