I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
