It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
