From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
