When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
