Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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