she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So much Jack, so little girl.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
