am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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