I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
