Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
