I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just want nice things and good sex
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
