if i can run in heels then i can drive
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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