I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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