Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
