he thought i was a dude.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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