i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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