I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
