apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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