I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
