maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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