Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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