i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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