u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
