This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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