You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
