We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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