I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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