People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
