Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
