mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Randomize
