i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
