At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
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A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
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I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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