I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
