Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
