I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
