happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
