i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
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