Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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