I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
