I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
