i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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