Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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