Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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