Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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