I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
