umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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