There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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