can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
