my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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