i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Please don't give away my fajitas
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
