I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
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