she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
