my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
