oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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