My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
