is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
