you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
